How to be Yourself

On my way to work (when I was working a year or so ago), I saw a billboard everyday. It had a bunch of kids posing in a variety of cool-seeming poses, wearing what the fashion store labelled fashionable then. The tag line was - Be Yourself.

Being one's own self has to be the easiest of things, right? We are already what we are, and have always been that way. Is it even possible to be anything but ourselves?

And yet, we fake a lot. We work very hard to resemble the ideal of the ideal. Somewhere in the collective super-conscious mind that connects us all, there is resentment about this. The real self doesn't like being bound and controlled. It is perhaps for that reason that the phrase 'be yourself' has such charm.

So, what part of me exactly is me? How much of my nature is really mine and how much of it is things I have learned to be? How can I know if I am myself (if that is at all possible)?

I don't know. But I can make a few educated guesses. Let me start at the beginning.

I am looking for a version of myself minus the things I have learnt. So it probably makes sense to look for my answers in a time when no one has learnt anything much - infancy and early childhood.

Metaphysical author Dolores Cannon, in her book Between Death & Life, suggests that a spirit in course of its many earthly lives, develops a personality. So it is wrong to assume that when (if for all you non believers) we are reborn, we start with a fresh slate. Cannon says that in the earliest stages of life, a person remembers a lot of this 'spiritual personality' and acts and makes choices accordingly.

Babies sometimes show qualities neither of the parents seem to possess. Were you a perfect fit in your family? I am not talking adoloscent rebelliousness here. But maybe long-standing differences of opinion, orientation, and even value systems?

Cannon says a baby brings with itself many qualities of the spirit. It can sense feelings and is incredibly good at sensing good or bad vibes. These qualities are dulled and eventually disappear as worldly 'knowledge' creeps upon and claims the baby's conscious mind.

Some time ago, Ankesh pointed me towards the Myers-Briggs personality type assessment. Here is what the test advises one to do before starting:

In reviewing the comparisons in our inventory, you may find yourself drawn equally to opposing choices. In such cases I suggest you try to think back to how you were before the age of 12 or even younger if you can recall. The rationale for this suggestion is the fact that by the time we are 3 years old, the core of our cognitive organization is well-fixed... although the brain continues to allow some plasticity until puberty.

After the onset of puberty, our adult learning begins to overlay our core personality - which is when the blending of nature and nurture becomes more evident. For some people, this "learning" serves to strengthen what is already there, but with others it produces multiple faces to personality. Discovering or rediscovering this innate core of yourself is part of the journey of using personality type to enrich your life. (my personality type)

Going by either explanation, I think it is safe to assume one is most 'oneself' before he/she 'grows up'.

Each is born with inclinations and a purpose of his/her own. Golu showed an amazing ability to remember things before he could even properly walk. He once amazed me and my mom by memorising an entire lullaby we used to sing to him.

Another nephew of mine, Om by name, loves wrestling. He wails until the channel flipping stops on a WWE match. He frequently cannonballs into unsuspecting sleeping relatives like a pro wrestler. He has hurt himself many times but it never stops him.

Untaught and natural, this is what they are. Of course it is possible for Golu to end up a clerk and Om an engineer, but they wouldn't be their true self then. Robin Sharma, in his book The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, says that in order to find one's life purpose, one only needs to go back to the things that gave him/her joy as a child. Barbara J. Winter is of the same opinion:

As children we were all naturally intuitive. We had more dreams and fewer doubts. As time went by, the "guidance" we received may have dimmed the dreams and fueled the doubts. By the time we began thinking about how we would earn our living, we had received considerable advice that may have led us further away from our real desires.

Now then, back to the how to be yourself question. What differentiates us from the children we once were? Two things, in my opinion.

One is simplicity. We were lucid when we were babies. I may feel I need a lot of possessions to feel happy. But if I remember correctly, a spoonful of mixed-fruit jam was all it took to make Golu the happiest person in the world. All Om wants is someone to practice his tumble and roll routine on. Such is his focus that even meals appear to be chores.

The other thing we learn as we grow up is fear. Children aren't really the most frightful creatures - not when they are doing their own thing anyway. But they realise soon enough that some things can hurt and cause them pain. They come to fear pain so much that the mere possibility of it causes them to retreat. After that it is only a matter of what pain is associated with. Independence is pain - they run. Love is pain - they run. Heck, people even associate pain with dreaming! Fear (of pain or anything else) is a crucial barrier between us and our self.

'One's own Dharma, even if followed imperfectly, is superior to someone else's Dharma, even if followed perfectly. It is better to be slain while following one's own Dharma. Someone else's Dharma is tinged with fear' - Bhagwad Gita, Chapter 3, Verse 35

When you are yourself, you will lose all fear. When you are yourself, your life will be so simple and yet so intoxicating, you will wonder why you were ever anything else. Truth be told, you will be wrong. You have never been anything but this!