Dealing with Introverts and Extroverts

In her book, The Introvert Advantage, author Marti Olsen Laney, says the primary difference between introverts and extroverts is one of energy focus.

Extroverts draw their energy from outside themselves. A social gathering will freshen them up. They will be at their best when they are surrounded by people. They are drawn to public events out of sheer thirst for validation. An extrovert is essentially feeding himself off the outside.

Introverts on the other hand, draw their strength from inside themselves. Only in their own company, are introverts ever truly at home. Being in public drains them of energy and leaves them gasping for breath. In much the same way as an extrovert suffers in solitude.

Laney's book is a must read. Being an introvert myself, and also someone who finds himself surrounded by extreme extroverts several times a month, I consider myself a fair bit of an expert on the topic. I have walked the path extroverts walk and lived to tell the tale. Here it goes.

Dealing with Introverts

An introvert may look like he doesn't care for company. But he only looks like it. You could think of him as a sponge that absorbs data and impressions from all around him, all the time. He processes it in his own way. Even though it may not be obvious to you.

Not all introverts will be silent. Some will talk. But it will happen rarely and only in select company. An introvert probably won't open up if he doesn't know you well enough.

An introvert may sometimes be so focussed on a thought or feeling that his outward expression is affected. He may either look as if stoned / in a trance or too animated for no reason. Don't judge him by what he looks like.

Try and understand that introverts need space. Sometimes, even a loud presence counts as an intrusion. Don't be offended if the introvert shows signs of discomfort. It's not you. It's him.

All this is not to say that the average introvert is unsocial. The definition of society need not be a perfect fit for everyone. Introvert kids sometimes grow up with low self esteem because they think they should have been extroverts. Consideration helps.

Dealing with Extroverts

An extrovert may appear shallow and fickle, but he isn't. His way of life requires socialising. This depends on accepted 'party' templates.

Extroverts value relaxation. But it does not mean sitting quietly and contemplating the ceiling fan. That would probably kill them. They need to be in the middle of sights and sounds. They need to feel busy to feel relaxed. Hard to grasp for introverts but essential in order to understand extroverts.

Extroverts may have more problems with discipline. While an introvert may think rules make life easier, an extrovert sometimes considers them hindrances in his path. This does not usually mean extroverts are rule-breakers by nature. They assert freedom their own way. Just like introverts do.

Extroverts don't think as much as introverts do. They may even think out aloud. Don't let this make you think they are incapable of silence. They are merely more vocal creatures.

You may also think extroverts are dumb because they don't understand things you don't say. Just say things you want to say. They will like you better for it. Remember, a lot of things they 'say' don't make sense to you either.

One thing I have learned is that introverts and extroverts NEED each other. Try and imagine a completely introverted or completely extroverted circle of friends and you will see what I mean.

There are treasures both inside and outside one's self. To be too focussed on one means losing out on the other. We don't want that, do we? An occasional blink of curiosity, a nudge of understanding, and a passing smile that says, 'I get you!' will make us all rich.